June 26, 2017
“But If Not…”
I sat waiting anxiously in the surgical center family area for word from the doctor that had just performed surgery on my Mom to see if she did indeed have cancer. I was nervous, worried, anxious and feeling very much alone.
We had just gone through the ordeal of having my Dad pass away just the week before and we were all physically and emotionally spent! There is nothing quite like that phone call that I received at 1:00 am from mom saying that dad had just passed away. He had been struggling with a number of health issues and was getting discouraged and was in pain often. I thought mom would say that he had fallen again and was hurt and that we needed to take him to the hospital. But that was not the case.
I had spent that previous morning with Dad, calling the fire
department to help him get up off from the bathroom floor because mom had a doctor appointment she had to go to and didn’t want to leave him. He hadn’t completely lost his sense of humor though because he told me to get his phone and take a picture of him laying there on the floor. That was a shocker. The SGFD graciously helped him get up and I helped him into bed. I told him to rest and that I had to leave but would return soon to check on him. He was so grateful for my help and said, “I am so glad that you came.” I gave him a hug and said that I loved him and would be back soon. That was the last time I spoke with my dad. I was ever so grateful that I had had the opportunity of serving and helping him in so many ways in the previous months. It was trying at times, but I was quickly reminded that there was no greater thing I could spend my time doing than serving my parents after their lifetime of service to me.
Mom’s doctor visit was a bit disheartening and we opted to ignore the possibilities until after the funeral. Then we had to face it head on. As I sat on that couch nervously waiting for the doctor to come out I was ever so grateful for the kindness and support of family. Families are an eternal blessing that we share here in mortality. As I contemplated the possible outcome, I kept hearing the words, “But if not…” pounding in my mind and I asked myself, “Am I strong enough and do I have enough faith to accept whatever the outcome may be? Of course I wanted mom to be ok and have that be the end of it. But if not, could I be strong enough to help her through whatever may lie ahead? Would I turn to God for strength and not away from Him accusingly? Would this be an event that would shape me and increase my testimony of Christ and His atonement and the love of an all-knowing God or would I choose to withdraw from them? How much faith did I have and what was I going to do with it?”
It only took a few moments for the Spirit of the Lord to remind me that, “Of course I would choose God and His love and compassion. I could never bear this trial alone. I needed the support and comfort and help that only my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ could offer. They would give me strength beyond my own and bear me up. Always and forever!” I felt certain that with them, I could do hard things!
The doctor came to the waiting room and told me that he was very sure that the tumors in
Mom’s bladder were cancerous and that he would wait for the pathology report to know the extent and the next course of action. I asked whatever questions I could think of while hearing the word “Cancer” swirl relentlessly in my head. As I exited that room and the reality of what I had just been told sunk deep into my soul I found myself in tears with a broken heart for the trial that mom now had heaped upon her after such a difficult event had just happened in her life. It was just 2 days after dad’s funeral.
During the past few weeks I have been strengthened abundantly by Mom’s courage and have felt love and assurance from Dad many times. It took me two weeks of crying myself to sleep and waking up to those same tears before I felt the Lord whisper that enough was enough. It was time to pick myself up and move on facing whatever our new normal would be with faith, courage, optimism and gratitude.
The road ahead is still unsure and laced with many unseen trials and challenges to be sure. But
I have had a reawakening of my faith; a rekindling of my desire to move forward with Jesus Christ by my side knowing that, “With God, nothing is impossible.” Reassured that I can “be of good cheer…for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you.” Believing that the Lord will truly “go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your heart, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” I will be eternally grateful for these reassuring truths that sustain us all.
May your lives be filled with joy and happiness, but if not, may we always choose to follow the Lord and be changed forever.
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