Because My Mom Said to :)

I’m writing this for my mom, or because she asked me to. 

Each of my sisters have been taking a week to post on this blog and while some have shared traditions, advice, or memories, I will share how my life changed. 

When I was young I was a difficult child, and that is putting it mildly. I must have been unhappy but I wouldn’t describe it that way. I cried often and annoyed many. My family were beside themselves as to know how to handle me. I remember my mom asking, “What will make you happy?” I would often throw fits if things didn’t go my way. I even remember at a young age hitting my head up against the brick floor in the kitchen because I was mad. That wasn’t even the worst of it. I remember throwing such a fit when my mom took me to buy a new dress we didn’t even make it into the store. She got back into the car and we went right home. I threw brushes and broke them because I didn’t like my hair. Worse was when I would lose my temper and throw objects at my siblings. 

My poor brother, Mark, who is just one year and three days older, took most of my temper. I once — and I am totally ashamed about this — broke a wood necklace over Mark’s head. I also hit him with a hoe because he caught me during tag. 

Then, of course, there were the times at school. I beat up a boy older than me for swearing, and I spit in a boy’s face because he put his finger in the frosting of my cupcake. Then there was punching a boy (okay, boys) for teasing others in my class. I was explosive and had a temper I couldn’t control. 

At this point you are probably thinking, “Yes, you’re a brat.” You would be right. I share this humiliating past so you will understand. Understand who I was and why it was important for me to change. 

Part of my problem was that I expected a lot from myself. This seems funny, I’m sure.
If I expected so much from myself, then why wasn’t I better? I would envision how something was suppose to happen, or how I was suppose to be, and when it didn’t go according to plan, I would lose it. I wouldn’t know how to adapt to change, so I would loose control. I would get mad at myself, the situation, or others, and I would throw a fit. Then I would be so mad and embarrassed that I threw a fit, I would throw an even bigger fit. It was an endless cycle that caused self-hate. 

I remember being so embarrassed later, but the damage was done. I couldn’t forgive myself, so how could I expect anyone else to. I hated who I was and was sure no one could love me. 

Then a remarkable thing happened. My dad had promised me if I would read The Book of Mormon everyday I wouldn’t be a horrible reader anymore, but would become a good reader. As I read, it stopped being just words to get through and became a message. I guess you could say my testimony began to grow. As I read, I started to feel my Heavenly Father; I felt I was loved. I felt happy. I began to learn what the Atonement of Jesus Christ was. 

At first I didn’t really understand it. I knew the Savior died so that we could be forgiven, but I didn’t know how that could help me. For one, I didn’t see my sins as big enough to need the Atonement of Jesus Christ. They felt insignificant compared to the sins I was reading about. Secondly, I thought, “I’ll just do it again, so what’s the point?” I didn’t understand how repentance changes a person. As time went on though, the Spirit must have been working on me. I remember Sunday school lessons that left me with a desire to be better, to be more. 

Then, one day in my seventh grade year, I came home and my world tilted. I came in to find a list of chores because my mom wasn’t home. She had asked that I take all the shoes downstairs up to everyone’s closets. Now, I am pretty competitive and can turn anything into a challenge. Plus, as I said, I put pressure on myself. There were at least 20 pairs of shoes, and I was convinced I could take them up in one trip. Why it would matter if I made two trips is a mystery to me. As I balanced all the shoes in my arms and headed upstairs, I stumbled, and most of the shoes fell from my arms, bouncing back down the stairs. The shoes that didn’t fall, I pretty much threw. I flung myself to the ground and started into a fit. As I sat there, absorbed in my own self pity, I saw myself with more clarity than ever before. It was as if I saw myself the way others saw me and I didn’t like at all what I saw. 

My fit shifted to sobs and a prayer to my Heavenly Father, begging Him to help me change. As I cried and pleaded for His help, it was as if I saw how the Atonement of Jesus Christ could help me. And not just on a big scale where you repent of big sins but on a daily basis. More than anything, I felt my Heavenly Father’s and Savior’s love for me and began to love myself. I felt worthy of forgiveness. I would pray often so I wouldn’t lose my temper, and eventually it wasn’t my “go-to” reaction. 

That day started me on a journey to self worth. I prayed more intently and studied the scriptures with true intent. I pictured who I wanted to be and pretended I was already that person. I faked being happy until one day I realized I wasn’t faking. 

One trick I used was to envision how I wished I would have handled a situation. By me reenacting it in my mind, handling it differently, it allowed me to not get mad at myself and arrive at a different outcome. I might have still made the mistake and even, at times, lost my temper, but by doing this technique it began to break the never-ending cycle. 

I would say the hardest part, and what me want to give up at times, was that everyone was used to me behaving a certain way. When I would mess up, they would automatically treat me as though I was going to have a meltdown. It took everyone so much longer than I would have liked to realize I was changing. There were times I would have lapses, but my desire to change wasn’t short lived and wasn’t just so others would notice, although that was important to me. I really wanted to continue to become a person I actually liked. 

Now at age 40, and being married for just over 19 years, one of my biggest compliments is that my husband doesn’t believe I could have ever been the person I described. No matter how many times my siblings and parents have confirmed it’s true. I am so grateful to such a wonderful family who put up with me and then so lovingly forgave me. I am beyond thankful for a loving and generous Heavenly Father who loves me so much He sent his only begotten son to die for my sins and so I could change. I am grateful for the challenge this was in my life because without it I wouldn’t know my Lord Savior. I wouldn’t understand how the Atonement of Jesus Christ works on a personal level. He loves me and because of it, I learned to love myself. 

-Mary